The thing is, we won’t stop being good people.  I know we are tested in our lives, pushed to our limits to discover the type of people we really are.  I feel like we get pushed around & stomped on often.  We can’t seem to find an honest person in the ’selling’ world.  Whether a car, a house, or a box of cereal, they all seem to want to screw us over somehow.  I am so relieved that this is their problem, not ours.  They may think they have won by ripping us off, that the problem is out of their hands.  I guess they don’t believe in the whole what goes around comes around theory.  Even more, they must not believe in eternity.  Anyways, perhaps I am a little upset that I visited the health dept. today to get a soil sample done on our house because we have a septic problem.  To my surprise I found that the previous owners were well aware of the problem but did nothing about it- except sold the house to us.  Yes, it may cost us from $7,000-$12,000 to fix.  We may have to take legal action.  Another thing I don’t even want to get into.  So what’s my point?  I get frustrated at the actions of others yet wonder why I am surprised again & again.  I was mistreated when I was younger and decided from that day forward that you could trust no one.  Later, I decided that it was mearly my teenage angst talking.  Though, now that I am older I find it to be infinitely true.  When we do come across an honest person we value them beyond belief.  Live & learn.  So basically what it comes down to is this.  I may be beaten to the ground, I may be screwed over til no end, but I won’t change.  I won’t lose faith in God & his grace & goodness, I won’t lose faith that there are good people out there, no matter how hard to find them.  It will all work out, & so what if I lose ‘everything’.  My earthly possessions?  Big deal.  It’s my plan, I accept it.  Living throgh hell on earth is better than living through hell… in hell.  So there.  

We may never get ahead, that’s how I feel sometimes but then I have to ask myself what getting ahead really means.  If I have boat loads of money am I ahead?  Not in my eyes.  Yea, it’s nice to have enough money to pay bills, but even if we don’t- we’ll still be ok.  I feel like God wants me to put my faith in him more than ever right now & understand what that really means.  Money is indeed the root of all evil.  I don’t want it, I wish I didn’t need it.  I understand now that it is a tool.  The only reason to have it is to give it away & help others.  So, my situation.  We can’t ever seem to get our taxes straight.  We always seem to get some letter in the mail saying we still owe.  I don’t undersstand taxes, nor do I want to understand them.  It’s frustraring.  How do I know we really owe more?  Heck if I know.  This time it’s $2800.00.  I step back & say, ok- another $2800.00 for that, we need a new septic system anywhere from $2000.00-12,000.00, taxes are coming up, we may owe over $10,000.00 for lack of knowing to pay certain things through out the year, the list goes on.  So lets say we have a good $25,000.00 possibly hitting us within the next couple of months.  How should I feel about this?  However I am supposed to feel I don’t really care, but I am unconcerned.  It will all wash out somehow & I can’t wait to show others how when it is all over.  I think to myself, what if we lose our business, what if we have to sell things to make ends meet.  Oh well.  It makes me sick that we have so very much anyways.  Some may look at our house & call it a dump, we don’t own ‘nice’ furniture or anything like that.  But look at our luxuries.  We have movies, & computers, & games, & gokarts, & all sorts of unnesessary things, that is a fact.  So maybe our plan is to lose everything so we can find everything.  The things that really matter.  To be an example of how faithful God is.  Who knows.  I know we have a purpose, a very important one.  The more I talk to other people & understand that we see things so differently the more I realise we are meant for so much more.  I think about our bills, it’s outrageous.  We spend so much every month for what? The minds of cunsumers are so tainted.  Believe me, I am one of them but i am trying ever so hard to break out of the idea of spending.  My husband & I have changed drastically in that way overe the past year.  We don’t see buying things at all the way we used to.  I was a Target addict!  Buying decorative crap all the time.  Don’t get me started on clothes.  Now, I’d rather give my money away.  I am rambling, what is new.  I think I am done & my point has been made.  But just in case… Money is nothing.  Money hold no importance to God, the fact is we need it by the standards of the world, but those aren’t the standars I care to meet.  So really, I am wealthier than I ever could imagine. 

I sometimes have to evaluate my life and ask myself why I don’t let go more.  I can fret & fret over something that is bothering me.  And although no one else may know it is bothering me, I can practically drive myself insane wondering when something is going to give.  I am cursed with holding in my feelings & thoughts assuming that if I did share what was on my mind that they wouldn’t understand me.  Sometimes I think I am afraid they will.  So anyways, I can sit & stew & wonder out of my mind & then a couple days, or weeks, or months later- it’s all taken care of.  Imagine that.  It’s like, something I always know, it’s something that is always there, yest I still question.  Is that humanity?  Maybe stupidity.  I know one thing is for sure, I am not looking for answers from anyone in this place.  I really don’t care about the advice that people have to give me, what do they know.  Maybe I border on rudeness & pure honesty.  I know people can’t handle the honesty thing.  What am I talking about at all?  Just what is on my mind I guess.  Sure, I wonder where some of the people in my life have gone, sometimes I wonder how we wille ver get out of our house that needs thousands of dollars of work.  Always though, there is an underlining comfort, a certainty that it will all be ok.  I do believe that we can control the the things that happen in our lives, not alone, & not without God’s will but I think it is safe to say that if I stopped thinking about my art so much, it would simply fade away & leave my life.  It happened to me before, & what was worse was that I didn’t even notice.  I can’t imagine how that happened.  I realize that a turning point in our lives can happen at any moment.  I can imagine that what pivot’s my life is quite different from those around me.  I’ve rambled, it’s therapeutic, I need to start writing again. 

I hate em, I do.  What are granny clothes?  Anything that has a pinstripe in it, button up shirts, shoes that are fairly ’shiney’, a shirt that has cuffs, pants that stop at the top of your foot, anything considered a blazer, anything with ruffles, basically anything typical society considers “dressy”.  Maybe someone out there who 1. enjoys spending the money on this crap & 2. spends enough to look cute can pull it off.  What can I say, I have t-shirt & jeans written all over me.  However, my job requires ‘dress’ attire.  Ugh.  My fit today?  Well, I left my one pair of black dress pants that I can tolerate somewhere so I am stuck in a skirt.  Its like 40 degrees out.  Yes, not just any skirt.  A JEAN skirt.  Oh please, someone shoot me.  Yes, it goes to my ankles.  Could I be any more uncomfortable?? Not likely.  Why rant like this?  Why let it bother me so?? Because.  That’s why.  I am getting my nose pierced tomorrow.  That should look great with my ‘dress code’.  I don’t see what the big deal is.  Some say- eww it’s gross.  Some say maybe I will “grow up” some day.  It’s really no different than ear piercing to me.  So bleh.  How’s that for grown up.  Wow, I am feeling a negative vibe here.  OK.. calm myself..  My art. Hmm, let’s see.  Worked on a pic last night, got the head outline done.  Hate it.  Looked too real.  Imagine that, I made something that looked too real.  I wanted to look more whimsical, more anime maybe.  Just not there.  I am so frustrated with myself that I could copy someone elses work so I have the talent to actually create it, but when it comes to developing that original idea- I can’t do it.  I wonder how original alot of the art I think is original is too.  Who knows.  Well anyways.  I pretty much suck at staying motivated, can’t wait to get home & out of these granny clothes.  2 more hours.  Hmph. 

We went to Chicago yesterday to meet with a client.  Fun drive, my husband & i never go anywhere.  The driving in the city however- crazy!  I knew it was bad, but when you are trying to find a specific place that you have no idea where it is- it’s uh-crazy.  People seem to have to pitty for us out of towner’s either.  Of course, when someone out of state is in my town- I show no mercy either.  Maybe I will now.  Another lesson of think twice.  So while there I got to read more of The War of Art.  I really like that book, I plan on reading it then starting it over again.  I know there is more to learn that I will catch the first time around.  Although I know I can find the same guidance from God, sometimes we are lead to other places- perhaps a book, that can reach us the way we need it.  I feel inspired right now, wish I had paper & pencil in hand.  My bag of art supplies is tucked in my filing cabinet, I think I would get a dirty look if I pulled it out.  We have so much to do at home, I think I am taking the day off tomorrow just to catch up.  I am so blessed that I can do such a thing.  Well anyways, I have tons on my mind today.  Can’t seem to sit still.  Wish it was five.